As demanded by absolutely nobody, here’s Ron’s Rules for Surviving Passover Mostly Unscathed.

Rule 1: Thou shalt not eat fake Passover versions of food you like. This includes anything made from a powdery mix from the food chemists at Manishewitz, or usually anything with the word “Passover” in the title, like Passover Rolls (Matzo meal popovers that combine the worst attributes of matzo and eggs), Passover noodles (the horror!) and Passover Cake (eww).

Rule 2: Thou shalt have an abundance of newly purchased prepared horseradish. Last year’s jar is NOT acceptable.

Rule 3: KFP Wine is great as long as it is not made from grapes. Try the blackberry. You’re welcome. PS: Put it in club soda or diet ginger ale.

Rule 4: The point is to eat SOME matzo. Moderation, my friends, is the key. Oh, and KFP whole wheat and spelt matzo do exist, and actually contain a miracle substance called “fiber.” You’re welcome.

Rule 5: Make half as much charoset as you usually do. As I always seem to throw out half of it after Passover is over, I’m hoping this will help.

Rule 6: Remember, if it isn’t good enough to eat when it isn’t Passover, then it probably just isn’t good enough to eat. Matzo Balls pass this test with flying colors. Charoset? Not so much.